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3. Something you wish you knew before eating two boxes of White Cheddar Cheez-Its and falling asleep to a twelve hour House marathon:

            I’m not sure.  Except I don’t feel good.  And I have many white cheese fuzzies stuck on and/or around my mouth area that have spilled onto my brand new blue Snuggy.  Damn.  

I’m also pretty sure that my stomach discomfort, left-arm numbness, excessive adhesion of white-cheese fuzzies on the facial area, and delusions of a winning the 2011 Ford Edge Grand (and other great tailgate prizes from College GameDay Analyst Kirk Herbstreit) are symptoms of a rare genetic disease involving the allergy to all light-emitting objects. 

This realization has sent the DogHouse (i.e. name of Buhbba and Co. residence, which, in full disclosure right now is just me) into a flailing effort to rid the apartment of all such light-emitting objects.  All light-bulbs have been changed and sheets have been hung over the windows for temporary relief until more decorously chic filters can be installed. 

ATTENTION ALL NEIGHBORS WITH RIDICULOUSLY CUTE CHILDREN:  THIS IS NOT A GIANT TEEPEE I HAVE BUILT TO PLAY A MASSIVE VERSION OF INDIANS AND COWBOYS IN.

Although that would be cool.  That would be, like, really really cool. 

I wish I knew earlier not to write posts after 10pm when crazies take over my brain.  

I heart cheeeeeeeese,

Buhbba

2. Something you wish you knew before shattering dinner wear at Pier One:

          that it can lead to years of [subconsciousable] distress buried so deep it takes a gallons of double-fudge chocolate ice cream, three years of night terrors, and one certified therapist to uncover. 

         Today I drove by a Pier One Imports.  I did not stop in to pick up a desert Moroccan candle scent, nor a new beaded pillow that leaves funny marks on your face when you sleep on it.  No, Pier One is not a happy place for me. 

         I was just a wee Buhbba about to step in a monster bear-trap laid by the invisible unjust hand of the world disguised as none other than a Pier One Imports.  The following is an account of the events reenacted by my lifelong friend and ring-tailed lemur, Archimedes.

*Let it be noted that Errand Day is not actually a competition.  Let it also be noted that below is what Archimedes actually looks like:

 

1. Something you wish you knew before passing notes while on jury duty:

         that your chances of getting a date from cross courtroom googley-eyes and consequent note-passing are not as promising as you might have thought (or initially hoped).

                 Let me clarify first by saying that I have not tried this one…I have not even ever had jury duty before (could I get paid for that?).  And I’m in a stable and sickeningly happy relationship, so even in the instance that circumstances warranted courtroom note-passing, I definitely wouldn’t ever act on it (except for research purposes, duh).  But I can see where this juror was going – very bold move, ma’am, I’m impressed.

                The case:  Steven Hayes is on trial for the murder of Jennifer Hawke-Petit and her two daughters after he invaded their suburban Connecticut home in 2007 – the jurors were specifically deciding whether or not Hayes should receive the death penalty.  Yikes.  Such a weighted responsibility, however, could not deter a certain juror’s quest for love as she passed a hand-written note to the court marshal (via a fellow juror) requesting a dinner date for the following Sunday.  Sigh.  Who says the internet is sucking all romance out of dating these days?  Alas!  A story of true love survives!  Except the juror was denied by the handsome court marshal and berated by the judge, a scene not unlike most traumatic-packed days in a middle school classrooms.

                If only our juror had known earlier that her chances of securing a date were almost nonexistent – CNN ranks the courtroom of a murder case in their inappropriate places to get a date – perhaps she could have been spared this horrifying Buhbba-ism.

                I applaud her boldness, though.    

                See the full story.

An Introduction.

            Remember in the "Wedding Singer," when Robbie gets stood-up at the altar and Linda (the ex-fiancé) comes the next day to pick up her things?  She tells him that she doesn't ever want to marry him, and he says, "Gee, you know, that information really would have been more useful to me yesterday."  Then she reiterates the fact that she doesn’t want to be with an ex-spandex-wearing-rockstar-turned-wedding-singer-living-in-his-sister’s-Richfield-basement, and he says, “Once again, things that could have been brought to my attention YESTERDAY.”

             My whole life I’ve felt a lot like Robbie, slapping my hand to my forehead and thinking, “Huh, that’s probably information that would have been nice to have had just a little EARLIER!”  I was the kid to consistently mix up show and tell days, and I definitely was the only one at my specified major graduation who walked the stage without wearing a stole (when the heck do they tell you to get these things?  Again, things that could have been brought to my attention earlier…)  Needless to say, the problem has bred quite a mixture of self-doubt, anger, colorful tells of embarrassment, and wildly entertaining moments for innocent bystanders. 

             It’s not that I’m stupid.  I somehow managed to finagle my way into a prestigious west coast university (and to graduate from said prestigious university – hence the debacle with the stole).  But I just can’t help feeling that I’m a quickstep behind – like I missed those few important days in elementary school.  Except that I didn’t. 

             As a result, I have created this blog to address some of the things you’d wish you’d known just a little earlier…perhaps to avoid career-threatening public humiliation, perhaps if only to save your sore head from another palm-slap, perhaps as an impromptu support group.   

             All I ask is that while some of us are trying to figure out why we’re the only one dressed as Captain Underpants on October 30, don’t judge.  Point and laugh, sure, but don’t judge.   

        Yours Truly,

          Buhbba